Or at least, the home I have lived in for the past several years. The home away from home away from home that I abide when I return from Florida, where I spend a few thousand hours existing in the endlessly lit moments of Summertime. I am home — a place of mind, a fleeting breath, a semi-permanent state. The home of my parents: an abode of security, wrapped around me like an ever-present, whimsically patterned blanket, although dusty and frayed at the edges. A place where tears are shed, laughter bubbles from my core, and thoughts are sometimes carelessly sputtered from my lips. A home where countless nights of creativity are spent, paired with a glass or two of White Zinfandel {with floating strawberries, of course} — searching, thinking, praying — as the inevitable transition from childhood to adulthood is slowly accepted, and then {somewhat} understood.

It is Summer, and I am home. My mind shifts to a season of many Midsummer nights past, where evenings {and days} were spent nonchalantly, filled with countless cups of chai tea, bare legs, bare feet, starry eyes, and long phone conversations {inside my 3×4’ closet}. Now, a college graduate, I am accomplished, yet unaware of what is to come — metaphorically dancing free, with feathers in my hair, and relentless, passionate zeal in my heart. Ruby-throated hummingbirds flit just beyond my window on an hourly basis, their wings moving at incomprehensible speeds, to simply keep them propelled, mid-air. This simple sight slows my breath, and calms my rapidly-firing patterns of thought. Peace. If they are intricately designed and cared for in such a way, how much more am I than they?

During my evening run, the scent of honeysuckle filled my lungs, making itself known through the form of heavy, rhythmic, and rehearsed breathing — reminding me that I am quite alive. I had taken this run countless times over — daily, nightly, and many times in-between. Tonight, however, the route felt unfamiliar — an inevitable foreshadowing of the days, weeks, years to come. In the lilac-coloured twilight, I whispered a prayer between strides — a prayer to remain faithful and trusting, as I wait for life’s path to unfold beneath my feet. I remain ready, although these moments are not my own. They are His — sealed, known, and waiting to temporarily spill into my hands. Until then, I will simply — be.

Gazing across the lawn, I took note of the rigid, maplewood tables that were littered with vintage paraphernalia and kitschy knickknacks. Forty, Fifty, and Sixty-plus year-old items that were tossed aside and forgotten by their original owners, only to be sold again for a-penny-a-piece. “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure,” I mused aloud. Were these items that were so adamantly sought after, admired, and fought over truly unique mementos? I wasn’t convinced. “They’re one of a kind,” I suggested to myself. “Or two of a kind. Or three. Or four. Or maybe not original at all.”

The blinding collision of polished metal mingling with the afternoon sunlight caught my eye, as a sunburst effect was created, and the shimmering primary colors of rainbow prisms began dance with the leaves just above my head. Golden light illuminates the air, exposing speckles of dust, and all that is floating in its’ airy beams. Nothing is hidden. Across the park, I observe an avid antique shopper looking over a vintage Alice in Wonderland lunchbox. From what I can see due to the distance, the box, although a bit rusty, is colorfully illustrated with characters from one of my favorite Disney movies, based off of Lewis Carroll’s prized literary work. This very sight transports me to years past, in the time of my childhood — a time when everything moved much slower and thoughts were much simpler, and carefree. I visualize my younger self: sitting indian-style on my parents comfy beige and brown sofa, watching Saturday morning cartoons, and happily munching on chocolate Cream O’ Wheat out of my plastic, magenta bowl. This was a rare favorite, and a special-occasion treat that could only be successfully prepared by my father. Upon this reverie, my mind transformed itself into a movie screen, reeling through the static memories of my childhood, the transition into adulthood, and the journey down the rabbit-hole,  somewhere through the land in-between.

“Is anything original?” I wonder this out loud, almost Alice-in-Wonderland-esque (I was becoming curiouser and curiouser, after all) as I shifted my position beneath the mossy oak, still watching the scene unfold before my eyes. “Has everything already been imagined, or does the originality come into play by the individual way each thought is processed, and exhaled into the world?” Halfway hoping for an answer to fall from the ceiling of the sky, I glance down at my small hands, still stained with oil paints in splatters of primary colors. The stains serve as temporary reminders of last night’s creativity, and an attempt at expression. An attempt at ingenuity, in my search for individuality.

A crisp breeze interrupted my thoughts, blowing my sandy blonde, newly layered hair into my face. The brisk air gently forces itself into my lungs, reminding me of the cycle of familiarity I guess I had forgotten. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. It is a beautiful day, in everything that fully epitomizes the word. But then again, I guess beautiful would even be an understatement, since the day’s description should be extended far beyond what is tangibly seen. The sky is opulent and cloudless, pigmented in a heavenly azul gemtone; a blue that seems almost surreal. Unbeknownst to me at the time, this is a shade that would later describe the hue of my eyes — now painted with black liner and gold, plum, and periwinkle shimmery shadows — when I am deep in thought. The air is beginning to become a bit cooler, as Autumn begins to peer its face around the corner. The season’s imminent arrival is somewhat slow and hesitant, but its’ steadily creeping presence is undeniable. I could almost smell the season’s shift: the scent of 73-degree air, laced with cinnamon and freshly chopped firewood. Autumn released a beckoning call for two of my favorites — soy chai tea lattes, with no water and extra foam, of course — paired with long conversations that create a feeling of comfort and belonging — even if only temporary. Autumn evenings, which I am anticipating, have always been my favorite. Starry, infinite masses of navy blue sky stretching over my head, while tiny, silver stars peek out, almost asking for permission to show off their enthralling beauty. Orange and red hued leaves will soon scatter the sidewalks of the downtown art district, surrounding the area that I am now sitting. I am home — a place of mind.

At their birth, each word was not hastily nor sloppily scrawled across a page, merely disregarding all respect for the emotions attached to them. Rather, each letter, carefully and slowly formed, held value of its’ own. Much like the rust-red perpendicular lines that covered the dilapidated, vintage maps I had viewed so often on the walls of my grandfather’s spare-room, the words are meaningless when left solitary, but crucial when pieced together — resulting in no greater avail than to guide my thoughts along the haphazard, golden thread of reverie in my mind.

These words are not my own, yet are mere reflections of what my heart beats for — as is with any word that my hands might script. They have been whispered to my soul in the blackness of night, screamed in the peachy-lilac awakening of the dawn, and consistently repeated in the solitude of the wilderness. “Beautiful. Loved. Free.” These words gallivant far beyond the cognatively detached reading of transcendent text from an ancient, truthful Book. Fresh words spoken by my Abba, they turn my thoughts to consider virtue, and leave me with a zealous eccentricity for all that is life. Unaided by footnotes or explanatory citations, the words stand for themselves — raw, vulnerable, and silently screaming a testament to their meaning.

A sensation of uninhibited disenthrallment is now coursing through my veins — floating, sliding, maneuvering. It strategically travels from my heart to my mind, my mind to my heart, and my heart to my fingertips — simultaneously arousing the butterflies that once slept dormant in the pit of my core. As a souvenir, a familiar feeling of childlike freedom is left behind, dissipating all fear — forever. And so it is — the cycle remains. Unstoppable, yet vital. Newness of life is sparked with each breath, each thought, each moment — shimmering, glowing, reviving.

These words are alive, carrying a weight much deeper than any complex compilation of pronouns, phrases, or punctuation could possibly express — conveying a pulsating, rhythmic melody — an enchanting tune that is only audible those who are truly listening. The fragmented and the fixed. The tame and the tumultuous. The careful and the carefree. The peaceful and the poignant. In seasons past, I have taken part in each and every one of these roles on this journey through life, portraying both positive and negative aspects of the fullness of my humanity. Nevertheless, I continually experience the manifest grace and unconditional love of my Abba, of which I have been redeemed.

And for that, I am forever His — sealed, portioned, and set-apart. Moldable, useful, and willing — carved and shaped to be a container of His everlasting glory. At this moment, He is exhaling peace over my soul — a tranquility that goes beyond all that is known, or is unknown. He is tending the soil of my heart, unearthing what it truly means to “be still and know that He is God.” To “be still and know.” To “be still.” To simply, “be.”

Freedom has become a constant state of being, and no longer is a second thought given to former entanglements that once suppressed my soul. I have been reverted to a beautiful existence where childlike faith infuses every fiber of my being, gushing and bubbling over, effecting every action I take. I live to love, and love to live — in the fullness of all that it entails.

This freedom is not to be bottled and placed on a shelf to collect the dust of unattainable perfection, or to be equated to fireflies trapped in a mason-jar, for curious observation and discussion. Rather, it is to be delighted in, and shared relationally among each soul I come into contact with. For as it is written, “who the Son sets free, shall be free, indeed.”

As these words are being typed, my ears are relishing in a symphony composed by the Ultimate Creator, put on exhibition by all of creation: a Springtime thunderstorm. Earlier in the evening, I relinquished all thought of civility, and danced in the rain — for hours. With my face turned upward and palms outstretched at my sides, I spun, Jumped. Sprinted. Laughed. Water spilled over every inch of my body — renewing and rejuvenating — both metaphorically and literally. Electric beams of light fiercely cracked open the periwinkle sky, sending spidery illuminations from one end of the horizon line to the other, with a thunderous, magnificent roar — reminding me, yet again, of the undeniable, incomprehensible power of my Lord. In this moment, I communed with Him. I was free. I was fulfilled. I fell in love — for the millionth time.

In quietness and rest, extravagance and noise, laughter and tears — I have learned the meaning of being content. Let it be known. Let. It. Be.

this chest is full of memories, of gold and silver tears.
I’ll give you more to own than all of this,
and I’ll give you more than years.
for you were once a child of innocence,
and I see you just the same.
your burdens couldn’t win or lose a thing.
oh, I’d tell you once again,
but you’re always on the run.

slow your breath down, just take it slow.
find your heart now, oh.
you can trust and love again.
slow your breath down, just take it slow.
find your smile now, oh.
you can trust and love again.

if you leave I’ll still be close to you,
when all your fears rain down.
I’ll take you back a thousand times again,
I’ll take you as My own.
I would sing you songs of innocence,
‘til the light of morning comes.
‘til the rays of gold and honey cover you,
in the sweetness of the dawn;
but you’re always on the run.

slow your breath down, just take it slow.
find your heart now, oh.
you can trust and love again.
slow your breath down, just take it slow.
find your smile now, oh.
you can trust and love again.

you’re not alone.
you’re now a part of Me.
you feel the cure.
I’ll feel the toil it brought you.

{ future of forestry. }

heaven has come down, and I can feel the Spirit of my Lord and Savior in each moment, as He breathes His life into my otherwise non existent lungs. His glory shines in the sunrise, kisses my face with the rain, and warms my flesh with the brightness of the noonday sun. these things are no longer solely tangible and physical, but are true representations of my heart’s cry; for greater intimacy with my Abba, Jesus Christ. this is where I belong. this is what I was meant to live for.

I no longer live for the approval of men. their affirming glances and deceiving nods no longer phase me. their speech drips with promises, sweet like honey; yet sticky and resulting in entanglement and false acceptance. these temporary endorsements no longer draw me in, for I am living for an audience of One; an eternal audience.

I am living for  King whose love is never ending. His love does not waver or exhaust. His love sustains, uplifts, and and shines radiantly like gold down on His children; exposing and swallowing all darkness. His love burns with the strongest jealousy, overwhelming me with a desire to focus on His heartbeat alone. I am striving for my heartbeat to match the beautiful, rhythmic melody of His heart. with each pumping of blood through my veins and cycle of air filling my lungs, I am losing more of myself and becoming one with my Father.

I crave Him more with each moment, sustained by His presence alone. I am obsessed, consumed with heaven; which abides in His heart. He is preparing me for my eternal calling, which has already begun. He is preparing me for battle. for war. He is sharpening my eyes and ears, and strengthening my Spirit to embark in a battle for the sake of all life. He speaks to me in the faintest whispers, the strongest shouts, the glory of laughter, the fullness of joy, the cleansing of tears, and in the harkening commands to remain faithful and fight for Him.

He is speaking to me now. the breath of heaven is coming down. blowing, sweeping, consuming, reviving. this is where destiny and eternity collide. open your eyes, listen for My voice, and repeat what I say. speak it into existence. release My Kingdom into the atmosphere. do not let your mind be cluttered. just be. the time is now. this is your place. a time of great awakening and revelation is right around the corner. I am getting ready to pour My Spirit out again on all people. the willing and the ready; as well as those who do not expect it. I will burn away all other desires, and all other lovers.

His law is not one of confinement, and His nature is love. He does not harshly force us to commune with Him. He is the embodiment of all love, and it is by freedom that we are drawn to Him. the knowledge of being loved completely and endlessly is enough for us to realize the extreme depravity of our souls, and run into His arms. yet, there is no fear in love. in His presence, everything is renewed. arise, My love, He says. unveil your face, let My glory shine upon you. He removes our rags and soiled clothing, turning them into a garment of praise. once we have tasted the sweetness of His Spirit, our response should be holiness and obedience; which is pure, consuming devotion. as Luke 12:48 states, to whom much is given, much is required. as we grow more intimate with Him, we are required to respond to His call of becoming set-apart, reserved for Him alone.

in His love, all beauty is known. in His love, all freedom is present. in His love, all hearts are awakened. in His love, all is revived with new life. in His love, all holiness and purity dwells. I will be filled in You, oh Breath of Life and Stream of Living Water. consume me, for I delight in You alone. let the fire fall, let the wind blow, let Your glory come down.

{ where you invest your love, you invest your life.

awake my soul, awake my soul.
you were made to meet your Maker.

awake my soul, awake my soul.
you were made to meet your Maker. }

we were created to live, not merely exist. we were created to feel, and in every way imaginable. we were created in our Maker’s image; fashioned to love with everything within us and experience pain and heartbreak. we were created to be inspired and to inspire others, and to be challenged, pressed, and pushed by tragedies and circumstances, so that we can do nothing more than cling to our Savior and pursue the greatness He has called us to.

we were meant to be awakened. out of the dust and nothingness we were formed, in the likeness of an Everlasting King. His Spirit was placed within us, and He covered us with skin, bones, and flesh, providing a temporary dwelling to be a tangible expression and image of His love on this earth. in our souls, He placed a desire for Himself; so that we might reach back and take hold of His outstretched hand, and no longer have to blindly stumble as we complete our journey on this earth.

we were created to commune with our Heavenly Abba; to seek out His mysteries, ask questions, and cultivate a bond with Him that not anything on heaven or earth, including death, can sever. He created a wondering in our souls, so that we might come to Him in our confusion and despair.  He created a longing within our heart, a longing that only can be truly satisfied in Him.

it is His unconditional, relentless, unfailing love that stirred within me, and awakened my heart to desire something more. something real. something eternal. I abandoned my old life of seeking after my own comfort, and became a new creation in Him. I may stray, stumble, or become distracted on this journey, but His ever-present kindness, and gentle, reassuring voice is always there to guide me home.

He desires to awaken our souls. He longs to meet us, talk with us, and carry us as we become one with Him. He invites us to dwell in His secret place, to abide in His presence. He calls us beautiful. He calls us beloved. He calls us friend.

His love, and life, has been invested in us; in our past, present, and future. He calls us to respond, by investing our lives in Him, and our love into the world around us; as we bring the Kingdom of Heaven to earth.

{ but when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. therefore it says, “awake, o sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” – ephesians 5:13-14. }

Lord, deplete me of myself so that I may live only for You. I want to become fully satisfied in Your presence, and desire nothing more or less than to be fully, completely immersed in Your Spirit.

Awaken my dry bones. Ignite my apathy with a fresh burst of Your all-consuming fire. I want You. I need You. I am desperate for Your touch. I no longer want to live for myself, but for You alone.

Give me passion, so that I may be a willing sacrifice to awaken and strengthen the faith of this broken world around me.

Give me strength to run relentlessly after You, without giving a thought to my comfort or desires.

It’s all about You, not about me. I die to myself, so I may live fully in You. I want to walk so deeply in Your Spirit and so in tune with Your voice, that I radiate Your love and joy to each and every person I come into contact with.

Open my eyes to divine appointments so I may encounter You, and be a catalyst for Your Spirit to be made known on this earth. I am a vessel, a bondservant for Your call.

I give my hands to You.

I give my eyes to You.

I give my feet to You.

May each atom in my body exist for nothing less than to scream praise to You, and radiate Your fiery, holy light to a world so desperate for Your saving grace. I no longer want to live a normal life. I am fed up with the ordinary.

I am desperate to have Your healing, saving, power flow out of me and into the earth. I am desperate to see revival break out and shake this generation.

I want to change the world. I want to make an impact so deep that Your name will be known to the ends of the earth.

I am desperate to see miracles, signs, and wonders baffle the minds of the doubtful in this generation, so they may undeniably see Your power. I no longer will live in apathy. I will stretch myself, exhaust myself, and give myself away for Your sake.

Bring revival. Bring fire. Bring love. Bring miracles. Bring Your presence. Show Your face.

Come, Lord Jesus. Come. I am Yours. I am ready now. Do what You will.

& { a martyred Zimbabwe pastor’s prayer. }

I’m part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I’m a disciple of His. I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I’m finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean in his presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer, and I labor with power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way rough, my companions are few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed.

I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won’t give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up for the cause of Christ.

I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go ’til He comes, give ’til I drop, preach ’til all know, and work ’til He stops me. And, when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My banner will be clear.

{ greater things have yet to come. } the glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house. – haggai 2:9.

refresh; { verb: give new strength or energy to; reinvigorate. }

renew; { verb: resume after an interruption, give new strength and life to. }

after seeing those words, I immediately looked them up in Webster’s dictionary, and  they provide a strong foundation to what God revealed to me. I believe that a time of refreshment is coming, and has already begun. He is stirring in the hearts of believers for something new; something real, something they can tangibly feel and see. the old has passed away, and a fresh anointing is coming. a revival of both heart and mind. as we seek Him and Him alone, we will receive strength; strength that can only be found and imparted by His Spirit. this strength will be revealed as we tune into Him, become confident in hearing His voice, following His promptings, and step out in the power that He has given us. to really tune into His voice, He is calling us to a new level of holiness and intimacy. the past few weeks, the Lord has placed the word purge { verb: atone for or wipe out, physically remove} on my heart and mind. this word has been confirmed to me many times recently. it is the physical act of His Spirit filling us and removing anything and everything within us that holds us back from really being able to reveal Him on the earth. it is a call to true holiness, as described in psalm 24. a wake-up call, to become refined by His fire, and prepare for battle as His sold-out warriors.

it is His desire and His standard for us to all operate in this power; through healing the sick, having dreams and visions, and recieving His wisdom through words of knowledge and the prophetic. although some of these things may operate more strongly in some, it His desire that all may taste and see the fullness of His power and Spirit, and reveal Him to a broken and hurting world. He will bring about divine appointments for His power to be revealed, as we keenly listen to His voice to know who to speak to and where to go. as we relentlessly seek His face and desire true holiness, He will bring revelation of this power that we obtain. He is calling us to awaken from our slumber and apathy, and step into a new level in Him, and claim and operate in the power He has already given us. we need to be Jesus with skin on; physically becoming the hands, feet, and heart of Christ on this earth. the more we step out, confidentially and faithfully, the more opportunities will be given to us. if we really become the church we are called to be, described in acts 2, amazing things will begin to happen. things would change. we would be the living, physical example of the Word on the earth. lives would be restored, and people would be drawn to redemption by His Spirit flowing freely out of us.

we are called to reveal His love; a love so dramatically deep and infinite, that it can’t really be comprehended or explained to the human mind. it is only grasped by a heart so desperate for His touch, for His grace, for a glimpse of His face. we are called to be this love to the broken, to the weary, to the hated, to the unloved. I want so desperately to show this to them, and to show them their desperate need for a Savior. for an Abba. I believe the world would really change when we step out and show this love to others, giving up everything comfortable or convenient, even to the point of death, to be love { as an action } to the ends of the earth. it’s not about us at all. we are merely vessels, called to surrender our complete beings for the sake of Christ.

I’m ready. I’m ready for dramatic change. I’m ready for His Spirit to become so much a part of me, that it flows out in every area of my life. I am ultimately a spiritual being, a daughter of Christ. I’m not of this world. I want to become so in tune with His Spirit and His power that it becomes a constant state of being. my time here is short compared to all of eternity, and I want to make the most of it. I want to surrender everything. my life, my desires, my future, my dreams are no longer mine; they’re in His hands. I’m awakening to not only what He has for me, but what He wants to do through me, for others.

just as the angels & airwaves song { that I’ve been listening to on repeat } states; I cannot live, I can’t breathe; unless You do this with me. hello, here I am. here we go; life’s waiting to begin, He must become our everything. without Him, we will suffocate, and will be unable to accomplish the purpose He has for us, on this crazy adventure He has called us on. : ]